Confessions of a sub

So a little over 2 years ago I discovered BDSM. Ha. I had spent years contemplating that little corner of my mind that was always curious about these white women in spandex and leather who wielded crops and whips and had men tied up on the walls of a dark dungeon. I was intrigued. And equally terrified. Because that’s the impression most people have of BDSM, right? Don’t lie to me. Little did I know. So it was only when I started having sex regularly that I began to investigate this. I started watching, reading, asking questions, exploring why this interested me so much. I was lucky enough to be with a partner who was well–aware of how explorative I was and together we created a safe space where I was able question what, how and why I enjoyed sex, the things I loved doing and those that had me curling my toes. I wanted more. In true hedonistic curiosity, I wanted to find more things that brought me pleasure.

As I began my journey into The Life I read up on spanking and choking and name-calling and humiliation and all the things that now make me swoon. I was overwhelmed by a super white community of people who painted kink as an extreme sport. Soon after I got onto Twitter and started interacting with black kinksters (WHAT? I thought this shit was for white people?!) I fell further and further in love with this part of my life that often left me bruised and smiling. I had never felt so comfortable with my body and the things it wanted until I started exploring kink. I had never felt so happy with the things I thought and even happier with the fact that I began to be comfortable with verbalising them after years of, “Jeez, Tshego your mind is disgusting”. I adored reading about kink and learning from other people, absorbing everything I could. I relished at the thought of masturbating and was affirmed every time I could guide someone to lead me to orgasm because I knew what my body liked. I loved being able to laugh in the faces of people who called me a slut and ADORED being able to watch their faces collapse when I agreed with a smile. Man.

When I speak of kink I speak of it with such love that most people tend to get confused because they have one idea in their minds and I have another. As with most things though, right? So most often these conversations that involve kink are me explaining my own experience of it, letting people know of the elements of complete vulnerability and romance that don’t live in the Bondage tag on Pornhub. But this is beside my point. I enjoy sharing this with people; I could talk about sex and kink all day if I could (as most people who follow me on Twitter could tell you easily). I love being able to see how interested people get once I explain that I’m submissive. I especially enjoy watching their expressions turn to confusion when they find that out because I supposedly give off Dominant vibes. While I am exploring the Switch side of me (being able to partake in both Dominant and submissive roles in kink), I adore being a sub.

On that note… being a sub is fucken difficult. Holy hell. They don’t tell you this often. They tell you that you’re strong and you’re in control and nothing happens if you don’t want it to and it’s all very incredible. Knowing that you’re able to be in control by handing over the control to someone else is an amazing theory and feeling once you get into it. But what they don’t tell you is the internal crisis (sliiiightly dramatic) that comes with the introspection and constant self-evaluations that hide in the corner of the pretty bag that holds your attempts to process these strengths, these limits to your consent. Boundaries. And ways in which you may allow someone else to cross them in a way you never felt yourself comfortable of doing until you met this person who seems to take care of you better than you ever knew you could taken care of by another person outside of yourself.

They forget to tell you that part and parcel of this comes the strength in handing over your insecurities in the most vulnerable manner and having someone cater to them in a way that cradles you so warmly that you feel slightly displaced when it leaves. They don’t tell you about admitting things about yourself that you aren’t comfortable with outside of your position as a sub, that these admissions might haunt you and your future relationships when they aren’t quite up to standard and you can’t quite articulate it because you just felt deeply without taking much note. They don’t tell you that that strength is what allows you to become a complete baby who sputters and sobs without any thought that what they’re doing and saying may make them seem weak or that they aren’t allowed to explore these feelings. They don’t tell you about how good it feels after sobbing and your cheeks are dry after being damp for almost an hour and you’ve called yourself a baby that they’ll respond, “My baby” and you’ll feel like you’re being cradled in the warmest part of the most genuine smile you’ve seen.

The sides of BDSM that few people speak about (or maybe this is my ignorance speaking. Slight rephrase: the sides of BDSM that I haven’t heard or read much of) are the ones I hold closest to me. They are the ones that keep me from sharing too much about my sub experiences (ah ha! Perhaps we’ve figured out why there are so few accounts easily accessible) because I found them to be slightly too dear to me to share. Those experiences include things that go way beyond the scope of leather and spanking. They’re the experiences that give you just as much pleasure without the need of being physically touched. They’re the experiences that make me wish that everyone is able to find and swoon in their own brand of romance.

In lieu of the current (fucken pathetic) 50 Shades obsession going around, one might have to consider the fact so many people are now out here believing that BDSM is for them. No problem, right? Wrong. It’s not only annoying that being a sub is now associated with that badly-written, soaked-in-abuse book but it targets people who are going through what we call “sub-frenzy”. In the Life, once someone notices that they may a sub, they tend to go on some sort of rampage to find a Dom- I went through this too, I just wasn’t aware back then that it was even a thing. Because obviously you want to get into it as quick as possible and learn and feel as much as you can ASAP, right? Right. Problem is when you put yourself in harm’s way by opening up to being vulnerable to someone who doesn’t know what the fuck they’re doing. The problem surfaces when this person that you’re having to relinquish your control to doesn’t care much about making you comfortable but rather bases the interactions on their own pleasure and nothing else. All the things I just described above? Yeeeeah, that shit isn’t possible with one person who is desperate to learn and another who’s taking advantage of that fact.

What one might have to do when entering a D/s dynamic is learn as much as they fucken can about the inner workings of the kink. They need to be strong in their sense of autonomy, because it takes a lot to get a point where you can hand over your body and mind and allow an outside influence to lead you in a way that you hope is good for you. And it takes also takes great responsibility in taking someone else’s control and making them feel at ease and safe when they do so. It’s difficult. I keep saying that just to emphasise how true it is. And maybe that might be because I’m sensitive and get hurt easily when someone is in that position in my life, maybe it might be because I’m a hard ass and handing that trust over is incredibly difficult for me. I’m uncertain too. But either way… I want people who are interested in kink to be safe about it. I want people to be able to explore without being coerced or taken advantage of or hurt in any way. In a nutshell, I want people to be able to get the sex and love they deserve.

Anyway. These have been some things on my mind for quite sometime so it had to get out there. I’m obviously no expert, everything I share roots from personal experience so I’d love to hear how others experience kink differently. If you’d like to chat about this or correct me, or just teach me things, please do? If you have anything that you maybe don’t understand and would like to clarify please don’t hesitate to ask me? I don’t bite unless I’m asked to.

9 thoughts on “Confessions of a sub

  1. Passionately written.

    I ran away from the life after reading 50 Shades. I was vanilla and shocked, curious but damn. The hunt done in,the book was scary and Anna was a bit of a punk, not the strong woman i learned it takes to be a submissive

    I give it credit for being a conversation starter though. I researched the real life about two years later. Then gave up again cause like you, i thought it was white people problems not black people type nice time. Then twitter happened and i met some very wonderful black people who are so eager to teach about the true beauty of the life, it makes my day everytime i see them talking about one of many aspects that make kink beautiful.

    The best part is that everyone understands the important of safety and the community opens itself up to answer sincere questions that can bring anyone closer to enlightenment.

    Beautiful peace ❤


    • Conversation-starter is definitely something. It just gets super tedious for me to have to keep letting people know how awful that book (and upcoming movie) is. But I get you completely.

      I love how Twitter has become a haven of sorts for Black kinksters. It’s been interesting to see how the space was carved out by the kinksters who couldn’t find a place anywhere else to discuss their kink. I adore that.

      Thank you for your comment, love 🙂


  2. Both of you have written lovely entries, i can empathize with that first feeling of curiosity and then being scared off. My Sir started a tumblr feed for me when I explained I had never searched for BDSM images/ porn as i was terrified by some of the more aggressive types of play. Aggressive may be the wrong word… Lets say graphic. He started posting images he knew i would like, and over time, with boundaries shifting those images have changed as well. Its a wonderful feeling to grow and shift boundaries and discover new areas that appeal to me.

    Anyone interested in the life should take it slow, I am happy to be asked questions as well 🙂


    • That’s an amazing thing for your Dom to do. If you’d like to, do share the link with us so that other subs can learn form it 🙂

      Figuring out where you fit in the world of kink can be daunting and really fun too. I love that you and your Dom chose to do it this way. I know one of the things that took me a while to adjust to was seeing the most extreme side of kink first. And like the sub in the first comment, I was also taken aback but because I’m curious by nature, I kept investigating until I found forms of kink I could identify with easily and relish in even before I had a Dom.

      I appreciate you commenting, that’s a side I had never actually heard of in how a sub learnt how their pleasure triggers work 🙂 So that’s awesome. I hope you and I get to share more.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I would love to research more about it, I’m really strong and I don’t want to be sexually dominating. I enjoy a guy who knows my strength but can show me how confident and in control he is. That is a turn on for me. I haven’t found someone who can be that way but I won’t search for someone who just wants to be in control of ALL aspects of the relationship. Hope he finds me 🙂


    • Yay to research 😀 It’s one of my favourite things about kink. I feel like there’s never a limit to learning.

      I’m sure you’ll find someone who’s the perfect partner in terms of what you like sexually. Go out and find him!


  4. This is such a beautiful piece. Especially about the difficulties of it. It takes EVERYTHING. Funny for me, I didn’t go through the rush to get a Dom but experienced it after when I spent long periods without one. I always knew that my fantasies were a bit “off” but it never fully registered until 2012 when I read Push The Button by Feminista Jones. Magically everything just fell into place. I saw myself and I LOVED that they were a black couple who loved each other, treated each other well and the way BDSM was portrayed was not the big scary white people freakishness that we know it as.

    I had a friend who in 2013, although we didn’t start out intending to make it a bdsm arrangement, the more we talked, the more it grew apparent that it was going there. I know a lot of first-timers prefer starting with someone who already knows the ropes but I think I was lucky that we were both new, he took to it like a fish to water and we researched a lot. Lived on trial & error but I wouldn’t exchange that experience for the WHOLE world.

    Since then though I’ve had hits and misses but once you see the other side, there’s no going back. I just hate the process of meeting someone and trying to tell them about it and things go bust. If anyone can share great ways to do so, please share. Lol. I know that people are slowly coming out+others getting into it especially on twitter and I love that it’s “normal” young people I know and relate to, I wish there were more people though cos the circle is still rather small and that these conversation would take place more even in “normal” interactions with people in our circles or in our dating lives. Also we STILL haven’t had a Play party. LOL


  5. Pingback: Maybe I’m Bad At This… | Melanin as love

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s